Drugs took me to a distant land
Since I was a child and very high demand.
This stress made sin elated.
My dreams just one day faded.
I struggled and I pushed and wades
In the mire
Of family fights to city lights.
I did not understand
Why my questions they would reprimand.
I have never had a home to call my own.
I always thought I was alone.
As a child I phened for any type of high.
Anything that would hold my pain and fly.
Like on Christmas holidays, on my Birthday, schools plays, and when I made good grades,
Then people would be my friend.
Eventually even that came to and end.
The message this sent made me real confused,
I thought life was only good when I was being used.
No one was trying to hear my small voice.
I didn't know I had the choice,
To grow up.
I was busy asking questions to,
Mama, Daddy, preachers,
Friends, family and teachers
I was getting no answer so I slowly gave in
Because not even one would listen
I held onto my pain silently as I was told to do
I ran from everything that hurt me
Everything I knew
Pill, acid, and dope,
Shrooms, liqueur, and smoke
Filled my cup.
More and more I tried,
More and more I wanted to die.
Running into walls,
Diving off of cliffs filled my dreams day and night.
Cutting my flesh,
Throwing tantrums and fits were the only ways I could fight.
Razors, needles, and knives.
I wanted to take many lives,
Mainly mine.
I was a little girl out in this world,
Starving with nothing to eat.
When I thought of love my little heart skipped a beat.
No food for thought,
It was love I sought,
I was just a little girl who fought,
For the acceptance that a tiny bit of love could have brought.
I loved to sing.
I sang silently,
So no one could come near and ask me why I sing.
Each note
Each word was mine
And every time
I would fall into a melody
The notes would come so soft,
So sweetly.
Not one could take my secret place.
I kept hidden far away.
Not one could take my secret place
I found it when I had no place to stay.
Not one could hold my secret place
Not one could hold it as dear
Not one could understand how good
My secret place made me feel.
No one would find the place I had to hide
No one could ignore me or could find
The humiliation, the deep woes,
The molestation, the sorrows,
They could not find the desire
I had hidden down inside
Me souls burning fire.
Sometimes I got so high and as time crept slowly by
I thought what would happen if my heart was to explode.
All I could do is sit,
Wait,
And wish I was not alone.
There was no fleeing,
Only me silently being,
Still.
I felt like the baby who was born in secret and left beside the dumpster.
From baby to youngster
From young mommy to gangster
Sometimes we just had no choice.
No one else would listen to our voice.
So we search and search and search until
We find someone whose love we could steal.
I am now half-way grown
And most my life I've been beat and thrown
To the side.
Even running and trying to find
My secret place to hide
I would find myself beside
The dumpster.
I had sore my spirit out,
And settled comfortably in a drought,
Beside myself.
One day I knelt and begged for Jesus to listen,
I am tired Lord,
I can't rest.
I waddle in the confusion of this world's mess.
I need to die.
It was Jesus who first let me speak
Even though I was dirty and I was weak.
He said, come my child so tired and meek,
"Come here, I have fresh water for you to drink".
He said "stop leaning on those people,
Who have always made you think
That you were not good enough to be here
And that you were only made to sink".
My Father has not made you to just be thrown away,
You have not been placed here to fade into miserable days.
My children lift your head up high
I will wipe your tears gently from your eyes.
Please begin to lean on me.
I will cleanse your lives so you can see
My Father's loving plan is big enough for all of you to stand.
Written By Shala Dryden
